I can't believe you're leaving me.

Written: 5/14/13

I mean, you've always talked about it, and even when you didn’t, I knew the option was on the table, but I absolutely never thought it would be this soon. Not to mention that you seem completely unaffected. I don't know what hurts worse, that you're moving to the other side of the country, or that you seem utterly intact while I'm a fucking wreck. I know that I never deserved you, but I certainly never deserved this either. Maybe I do deserve this. I know that this is literally your best option, and I'm so happy for you, which is making this pain exponentially worse, and to add to that I'm so incredibly jealous. I realize that this wasn't intentional, but I don't think that you realize how completely you're killing me. I really honestly thought that we could've been something spectacular over the summer, and now you're moving on and moving up and leaving me here to pick up the pieces just like everyone else and I don’t know if I can do it again. I expected this from literally any other person besides you. You were my constant and now you're leaving and I don't know what I'm going to do without you because I've never had to worry about that before. Honestly, I'm scared. I'm so scared and I feel cheated because I never even had a fair chance. You're going to move, and maybe we'll keep talking for a little while, but I have this feeling that eventually you're just going to move on without me and I don’t want to be left here alone. I've loved you for so long and while moving to California was your best option, you were always my best option.

Wait.

Written: 10/22/12

Sometimes I wish I could just curl up in a ball and wait.

I don't mind wasting time. I could just lie there and watch the seasons and strangers pass until I felt comfortable enough with my life or myself to continue. I feel like most days I just try to ignore it, go around the world in a gray fog or concern myself with more pressing matters, but my insecurities are always there. Always kicking me while I'm down, when I least deserve it. Or maybe I do deserve to feel these tragic things. I've given up; at some point or another I let myself and everything else go. I'm so good at procrastinating, I'm so good at ignoring my conscience, if I even have one anymore. I can’t stand to look at myself and at this point I'm not sure if it's because of my outsides or my insides. Either way I can barely hold my own gaze for a few moments. I fucking hate myself. And I fucking hate that everyone I love has to deal with my self-loathing. It's not their fault but I always blame others for my own faults. We all do, I suppose. Sometimes I just wish I would wake up in another life. It would be painful to lose the good things I actually have, which are few and far between, but it would be so gratifying to realize that all the bad things were just a nightmare. Then again, I would probably ruin that life too. I'm just so tired of being unaffected. I wish I were conscious. I wish my mind would be clear for just a day, but of course not. I don’t deserve any better than what I'm stuck with and everyone who is stuck with me deserves so much better, and I realize that now, but I know that tomorrow or the next day or the next I will go back to being the same, and maybe that's what scares me more than anything. I just wish I could wait around till something clicked, or wait for so long that everyone would forget about me and I could start over, skin pulled taught over protruding starved bones. I was doing so well for a while. But I've turned myself to shit and I cant stop doing so. I just need a fucking break, but the light never seems to even think of approaching the other side of the tunnel. I want to drown. I want to disappear.

This Nicotine Is Your Air.

Once the sleep comes it's over. 
So both of us saw what it was, 
everything you were, every time. 
A favorite of my dreams; 
you've seen all that is me. 
So, sure, you should take that; 
it's one more mile, just the same.


Some nights she still charms her way out
and hopes to leave with a morning of sleep.


WELL, I had a blog written out, but I've had quite a bit of whiskey tonight so I veto'ed it. Sorry, still alive, I'll write something great when I'm sober. Not like anyone reads this anyway.

Paranoia Posed In Saintly Rows Outside My Window.

Why do we as a people, more so women, focus on such a trivial thing as aesthetics? In the category of aesthetics itself we even focus on the trivial aspects; painting our nails, applying make-up with surgical precision, straightening our hair, dropping that 'last five pounds.' It's an idea that crosses my mind as I paint my nails or apply my make-up or criticize my body in the mirror before each shower. Why does this matter? Will losing weight help me do better in college? Will having chipped nail polish mean that I'll never have a boyfriend or that my current one will break up with me? Will not being a size XX ever detriment my quality of life?
By now most people are jumping to the same conclusion that I did; something like 'all of these things ARE pointless. I'll just stop bothering with them.' But wait a second, hear me out.
The more I toy with the idea and delve into my personal experiences, the more I realize that we don't do them for our futures or to please our significant others (even if we do we shouldn't.) I realized that most of the time I do these things to raise my self esteem and to make myself feel pretty. Maybe women do these things because if we don't respect and like ourselves then who will?
So I apply my make-up to perfection every morning and I carefully paint every nail and I work my ass off to shrink those parts of my body that I find undesirable and I would have it no other way. It's human nature to want to better yourself, why not start with the easy outside bits?

Personally, I find myself unable to assign meaning or reason to getting dressed nicely or doing my make-up well, especially at points in the week such as this; my boyfriend is more than an hour away, it's Monday and I'm exhausted, but I continue to do so because it makes me feel better about myself. So why the fuck not?
And it definitely makes me feel awesome to shove it in Mark's face that plenty of other people get to see me look bangin and he doesn't. Hahaha.

I Wish I Had A Single Thought The Least Bit Legitimate Enough To Open Up My Mouth And Spit Accuracy.

All the while just the same, I'm worried that the purpose is how I look, not how I lived.

Let's get dolled up and play pretend, cus' nothing stays honest when every thought is cursed with intent. A pulse covered in skin and words covered in lips. Taste the regret as it leaves your stomach; coating your tongue with every noun. Watery eyes the only thing that makes sense now; spitting your insides out.

Start over.

Start over.

Start over.

I've Been Screaming At The Drain For Days; My Stomach And I Are Parting Ways.

Today in philosophy we were talking about Plato and my Professor said this, "If you want to be loved you'd better start worrying about the beauty of your soul."
It is truly formidable how something can be so beautiful and so scary all at once. Also, it is a thought that has been crossing my mind, why we love what and whom and how we love. 

Why do we as humans find people more attractive as we delve deeper into their lives, families, friendships and personalities? 

Is it the beauty of the outside that intrigues us to find the beauty of the inside, or is it the beauty of the outside that causes us only to find the beauty on the inside and disregard the more ugly aspects of a person? In my experience it is a bit of both.

I always challenge and remind myself to think rationally and logically, but somehow when I fall for someone I always overlook their major flaws only to see them in hindsight. Their over-addictive personalities, their shallow behavior, their constant ability to take and never give.

But with you things are different, even now I cannot think of one off-putting characteristic about you and that in and of itself is kind of scary, to be honest. Everyone has their faults and if anything it might be the best thing about you that is also kind of the worst, that being your willingness to do just about anything, including the most dangerous/illegal things. The only reason that it bothers me is that the thought of losing you is almost unbearable for me, but you make life interesting and fun because you are always up for anything.

Double edged sword, I know.

Even more than that, the thought of trying to make my soul beautiful is an overwhelming task. It would mean the upheaval of every bad habit I have become so reliant on and comfortable with. It would mean changing most things about myself, including the major character flaws that I have been trying to fix since I have acknowledged them, not to mention some parts of these flaws and bad habits are, in my opinion, what make me 'me,' so to speak.

I have also been thinking a lot on the subject of people and their character in general. Granted, I am cynical and pessimistic and self-centered and have been hurt too many times to be anything different, but those characteristics are not always bad things. If you are not willing to stand up for yourself and your own wants and needs, then who is? Not to mention that cynicism and pessimism are the basis for a healthy self-defensive wall that I have built thoroughly around myself and my heart as to avoid getting hurt again, god forbid worse. But my main point is that I have these thoughts and that I am more than just a body and words; I am analyzing myself more than most people are brave enough to even try to attempt. 

Maybe that is what makes a soul beautiful, not the perfection of good traits and the complete absence of bad ones, but the ability to self-critique and to make changes where changes are necessary, not to achieve near 'perfection,' but to ultimately be the best version of yourself without losing some of those bad habits and traits that inherently make you 'you.'

I Will Eat You All Alive.

I told you all I was trying.

For once I was being completely honest.

I'm fixing thing's I've broken, making rights from wrongs and trying my very hardest to stay on the straight and narrow with very few deviations.

Therapy.

Something I thought was for the weak is now clearly for those strong enough to admit they need help and actually seek it out. It went really well and I definitely see it being something I'll continue to do until I feel strong enough to overcome things on my own without reliance on a razor blade or someone with a degree.

Do you know how lovely it is to know you?

I think not.

 You clear my mind and get me unstuck from thinking negatively.

You are exactly what I need right now.