A. I've been thinking a lot recently on the subject of using, by that I mean people using people. These days, it seems, so many people are in complete and utter denial. "My mom says I'm a 'user.'" I couldn't help but agree, but isn't that what you wanted?
I know for a fact that I use people all the time, and I know for a fact that people use me, and I know for a fact that people use other people all the time. Sex, drugs, compassion, compliments, love, sympathy, venting, everyone constantly uses everyone else, it's not a flaw in character or anything of that sort, it's human nature. Seriously, there is not one human being on this planet, who understands the meaning of 'using,' that can honestly say they haven't used another human being in their lifetime. If you say that I will call you a liar to your face, be you a friend or a complete stranger.
B. I don't like being home. I don't like being alone.
Even though it damn near kills my mum, the reason why I stay out so much is because it's the only way I can fall asleep before the sun comes up. When I'm home I'm usually alone, which means I can over-think every particular detail of everything I've ever done, then get way too nervous over little things and give myself migraines and terrible stomachaches.
I drown myself in alcohol just to stay far away from the place I go when my friends are all sleeping and these paranoid thoughts take over my mind and body.
I go out so that I actually eat at least once a day.
I go out to feel normal.
I go out to get out of my fucking head for a while.
I go out to feel like myself for once.
C. "Even though you don't believe me, I love you."
I still don't believe in romantic love, and you will most likely prove me right.
D. I'm more insecure than I have ever been. It's antithetical in nature because, even though this isn't by far any (healthy) way to truly measure of one's self-esteem, more men compliment me now than ever before. I find myself looking at my reflection and picking apart every little thing about myself and my body. I find myself over analyzing my relationships and finding flaws in everything. However, I'm more happy with the way things are than I have ever been. My relationships, romantic or platonic, are better than they ever have been, my guard is constantly up and I find myself building it ever higher and ever thicker; knowing that no matter what I will never be hurt as badly as I was before and taking comfort in that fact.
E. I thrive on the structure and routine that school gives me. Being home makes everything feel chaotic and fragile, like everything I touch will shatter at the exact point of contact and flee from my embrace; like it's been known to do; like so many before it.
It's scary to realize that no matter what you choose you eventually find that you constantly make the wrong choice.
"I am 'broken.'
I am 'self-destructive.'
I 'sell myself too short.'"
These are all still quite true and everyone knows it.
But at least now I'm trying.
