I've Been Screaming At The Drain For Days; My Stomach And I Are Parting Ways.

Today in philosophy we were talking about Plato and my Professor said this, "If you want to be loved you'd better start worrying about the beauty of your soul."
It is truly formidable how something can be so beautiful and so scary all at once. Also, it is a thought that has been crossing my mind, why we love what and whom and how we love. 

Why do we as humans find people more attractive as we delve deeper into their lives, families, friendships and personalities? 

Is it the beauty of the outside that intrigues us to find the beauty of the inside, or is it the beauty of the outside that causes us only to find the beauty on the inside and disregard the more ugly aspects of a person? In my experience it is a bit of both.

I always challenge and remind myself to think rationally and logically, but somehow when I fall for someone I always overlook their major flaws only to see them in hindsight. Their over-addictive personalities, their shallow behavior, their constant ability to take and never give.

But with you things are different, even now I cannot think of one off-putting characteristic about you and that in and of itself is kind of scary, to be honest. Everyone has their faults and if anything it might be the best thing about you that is also kind of the worst, that being your willingness to do just about anything, including the most dangerous/illegal things. The only reason that it bothers me is that the thought of losing you is almost unbearable for me, but you make life interesting and fun because you are always up for anything.

Double edged sword, I know.

Even more than that, the thought of trying to make my soul beautiful is an overwhelming task. It would mean the upheaval of every bad habit I have become so reliant on and comfortable with. It would mean changing most things about myself, including the major character flaws that I have been trying to fix since I have acknowledged them, not to mention some parts of these flaws and bad habits are, in my opinion, what make me 'me,' so to speak.

I have also been thinking a lot on the subject of people and their character in general. Granted, I am cynical and pessimistic and self-centered and have been hurt too many times to be anything different, but those characteristics are not always bad things. If you are not willing to stand up for yourself and your own wants and needs, then who is? Not to mention that cynicism and pessimism are the basis for a healthy self-defensive wall that I have built thoroughly around myself and my heart as to avoid getting hurt again, god forbid worse. But my main point is that I have these thoughts and that I am more than just a body and words; I am analyzing myself more than most people are brave enough to even try to attempt. 

Maybe that is what makes a soul beautiful, not the perfection of good traits and the complete absence of bad ones, but the ability to self-critique and to make changes where changes are necessary, not to achieve near 'perfection,' but to ultimately be the best version of yourself without losing some of those bad habits and traits that inherently make you 'you.'