This Nicotine Is Your Air.

Once the sleep comes it's over. 
So both of us saw what it was, 
everything you were, every time. 
A favorite of my dreams; 
you've seen all that is me. 
So, sure, you should take that; 
it's one more mile, just the same.


Some nights she still charms her way out
and hopes to leave with a morning of sleep.


WELL, I had a blog written out, but I've had quite a bit of whiskey tonight so I veto'ed it. Sorry, still alive, I'll write something great when I'm sober. Not like anyone reads this anyway.

Paranoia Posed In Saintly Rows Outside My Window.

Why do we as a people, more so women, focus on such a trivial thing as aesthetics? In the category of aesthetics itself we even focus on the trivial aspects; painting our nails, applying make-up with surgical precision, straightening our hair, dropping that 'last five pounds.' It's an idea that crosses my mind as I paint my nails or apply my make-up or criticize my body in the mirror before each shower. Why does this matter? Will losing weight help me do better in college? Will having chipped nail polish mean that I'll never have a boyfriend or that my current one will break up with me? Will not being a size XX ever detriment my quality of life?
By now most people are jumping to the same conclusion that I did; something like 'all of these things ARE pointless. I'll just stop bothering with them.' But wait a second, hear me out.
The more I toy with the idea and delve into my personal experiences, the more I realize that we don't do them for our futures or to please our significant others (even if we do we shouldn't.) I realized that most of the time I do these things to raise my self esteem and to make myself feel pretty. Maybe women do these things because if we don't respect and like ourselves then who will?
So I apply my make-up to perfection every morning and I carefully paint every nail and I work my ass off to shrink those parts of my body that I find undesirable and I would have it no other way. It's human nature to want to better yourself, why not start with the easy outside bits?

Personally, I find myself unable to assign meaning or reason to getting dressed nicely or doing my make-up well, especially at points in the week such as this; my boyfriend is more than an hour away, it's Monday and I'm exhausted, but I continue to do so because it makes me feel better about myself. So why the fuck not?
And it definitely makes me feel awesome to shove it in Mark's face that plenty of other people get to see me look bangin and he doesn't. Hahaha.

I Wish I Had A Single Thought The Least Bit Legitimate Enough To Open Up My Mouth And Spit Accuracy.

All the while just the same, I'm worried that the purpose is how I look, not how I lived.

Let's get dolled up and play pretend, cus' nothing stays honest when every thought is cursed with intent. A pulse covered in skin and words covered in lips. Taste the regret as it leaves your stomach; coating your tongue with every noun. Watery eyes the only thing that makes sense now; spitting your insides out.

Start over.

Start over.

Start over.

I've Been Screaming At The Drain For Days; My Stomach And I Are Parting Ways.

Today in philosophy we were talking about Plato and my Professor said this, "If you want to be loved you'd better start worrying about the beauty of your soul."
It is truly formidable how something can be so beautiful and so scary all at once. Also, it is a thought that has been crossing my mind, why we love what and whom and how we love. 

Why do we as humans find people more attractive as we delve deeper into their lives, families, friendships and personalities? 

Is it the beauty of the outside that intrigues us to find the beauty of the inside, or is it the beauty of the outside that causes us only to find the beauty on the inside and disregard the more ugly aspects of a person? In my experience it is a bit of both.

I always challenge and remind myself to think rationally and logically, but somehow when I fall for someone I always overlook their major flaws only to see them in hindsight. Their over-addictive personalities, their shallow behavior, their constant ability to take and never give.

But with you things are different, even now I cannot think of one off-putting characteristic about you and that in and of itself is kind of scary, to be honest. Everyone has their faults and if anything it might be the best thing about you that is also kind of the worst, that being your willingness to do just about anything, including the most dangerous/illegal things. The only reason that it bothers me is that the thought of losing you is almost unbearable for me, but you make life interesting and fun because you are always up for anything.

Double edged sword, I know.

Even more than that, the thought of trying to make my soul beautiful is an overwhelming task. It would mean the upheaval of every bad habit I have become so reliant on and comfortable with. It would mean changing most things about myself, including the major character flaws that I have been trying to fix since I have acknowledged them, not to mention some parts of these flaws and bad habits are, in my opinion, what make me 'me,' so to speak.

I have also been thinking a lot on the subject of people and their character in general. Granted, I am cynical and pessimistic and self-centered and have been hurt too many times to be anything different, but those characteristics are not always bad things. If you are not willing to stand up for yourself and your own wants and needs, then who is? Not to mention that cynicism and pessimism are the basis for a healthy self-defensive wall that I have built thoroughly around myself and my heart as to avoid getting hurt again, god forbid worse. But my main point is that I have these thoughts and that I am more than just a body and words; I am analyzing myself more than most people are brave enough to even try to attempt. 

Maybe that is what makes a soul beautiful, not the perfection of good traits and the complete absence of bad ones, but the ability to self-critique and to make changes where changes are necessary, not to achieve near 'perfection,' but to ultimately be the best version of yourself without losing some of those bad habits and traits that inherently make you 'you.'

I Will Eat You All Alive.

I told you all I was trying.

For once I was being completely honest.

I'm fixing thing's I've broken, making rights from wrongs and trying my very hardest to stay on the straight and narrow with very few deviations.

Therapy.

Something I thought was for the weak is now clearly for those strong enough to admit they need help and actually seek it out. It went really well and I definitely see it being something I'll continue to do until I feel strong enough to overcome things on my own without reliance on a razor blade or someone with a degree.

Do you know how lovely it is to know you?

I think not.

 You clear my mind and get me unstuck from thinking negatively.

You are exactly what I need right now.

Tell Me It's Alright; Tell Me It's Better.

A. I've been thinking a lot recently on the subject of using, by that I mean people using people. These days, it seems, so many people are in complete and utter denial. "My mom says I'm a 'user.'" I couldn't help but agree, but isn't that what you wanted?
I know for a fact that I use people all the time, and I know for a fact that people use me, and I know for a fact that people use other people all the time. Sex, drugs, compassion, compliments, love, sympathy, venting, everyone constantly uses everyone else, it's not a flaw in character or anything of that sort, it's human nature. Seriously, there is not one human being on this planet, who understands the meaning of 'using,' that can honestly say they haven't used another human being in their lifetime. If you say that I will call you a liar to your face, be you a friend or a complete stranger.

B. I don't like being home. I don't like being alone.
Even though it damn near kills my mum, the reason why I stay out so much is because it's the only way I can fall asleep before the sun comes up. When I'm home I'm usually alone, which means I can over-think every particular detail of everything I've ever done, then get way too nervous over little things and give myself migraines and terrible stomachaches.
I drown myself in alcohol just to stay far away from the place I go when my friends are all sleeping and these paranoid thoughts take over my mind and body.
I go out so that I actually eat at least once a day.
I go out to feel normal.
I go out to get out of my fucking head for a while.
I go out to feel like myself for once.

C. "Even though you don't believe me, I love you."
I still don't believe in romantic love, and you will most likely prove me right.

D. I'm more insecure than I have ever been. It's antithetical in nature because, even though this isn't by far any (healthy) way to truly measure of one's self-esteem, more men compliment me now than ever before. I find myself looking at my reflection and picking apart every little thing about myself and my body. I find myself over analyzing my relationships and finding flaws in everything. However, I'm more happy with the way things are than I have ever been. My relationships, romantic or platonic, are better than they ever have been, my guard is constantly up and I find myself building it ever higher and ever thicker; knowing that no matter what I will never be hurt as badly as I was before and taking comfort in that fact.

E. I thrive on the structure and routine that school gives me. Being home makes everything feel chaotic and fragile, like everything I touch will shatter at the exact point of contact and flee from my embrace; like it's been known to do; like so many before it.
It's scary to realize that no matter what you choose you eventually find that you constantly make the wrong choice.

"I am 'broken.'
I am 'self-destructive.'
I 'sell myself too short.'"
These are all still quite true and everyone knows it.
But at least now I'm trying.

There's A Simple Explanation For It All; It's All My Fault.

I cannot soothe this feeling and it is really terrifying. There is this terribly gut wrenching pain that literally feels as if it is tearing me apart from inside out. I have no idea what it means or why it's here but I absolutely loathe it with every fiber of my being. I can't think of any reason for me to feel like this.
It's almost like when I get really nervous about something, but it's never been this bad before. I have an awful feeling that something tragic is going to happen, and that, in and of itself, is scaring me more than the pain ever could. I'm completely and utterly hoping that I'm wrong.
Please, let me be wrong about this.
I'm about to cry. I can't think straight. I can't shake this.
Someone please help me, I beg you.
I don't want to be here anymore.