I can't believe you're leaving me.

Written: 5/14/13

I mean, you've always talked about it, and even when you didn’t, I knew the option was on the table, but I absolutely never thought it would be this soon. Not to mention that you seem completely unaffected. I don't know what hurts worse, that you're moving to the other side of the country, or that you seem utterly intact while I'm a fucking wreck. I know that I never deserved you, but I certainly never deserved this either. Maybe I do deserve this. I know that this is literally your best option, and I'm so happy for you, which is making this pain exponentially worse, and to add to that I'm so incredibly jealous. I realize that this wasn't intentional, but I don't think that you realize how completely you're killing me. I really honestly thought that we could've been something spectacular over the summer, and now you're moving on and moving up and leaving me here to pick up the pieces just like everyone else and I don’t know if I can do it again. I expected this from literally any other person besides you. You were my constant and now you're leaving and I don't know what I'm going to do without you because I've never had to worry about that before. Honestly, I'm scared. I'm so scared and I feel cheated because I never even had a fair chance. You're going to move, and maybe we'll keep talking for a little while, but I have this feeling that eventually you're just going to move on without me and I don’t want to be left here alone. I've loved you for so long and while moving to California was your best option, you were always my best option.

Wait.

Written: 10/22/12

Sometimes I wish I could just curl up in a ball and wait.

I don't mind wasting time. I could just lie there and watch the seasons and strangers pass until I felt comfortable enough with my life or myself to continue. I feel like most days I just try to ignore it, go around the world in a gray fog or concern myself with more pressing matters, but my insecurities are always there. Always kicking me while I'm down, when I least deserve it. Or maybe I do deserve to feel these tragic things. I've given up; at some point or another I let myself and everything else go. I'm so good at procrastinating, I'm so good at ignoring my conscience, if I even have one anymore. I can’t stand to look at myself and at this point I'm not sure if it's because of my outsides or my insides. Either way I can barely hold my own gaze for a few moments. I fucking hate myself. And I fucking hate that everyone I love has to deal with my self-loathing. It's not their fault but I always blame others for my own faults. We all do, I suppose. Sometimes I just wish I would wake up in another life. It would be painful to lose the good things I actually have, which are few and far between, but it would be so gratifying to realize that all the bad things were just a nightmare. Then again, I would probably ruin that life too. I'm just so tired of being unaffected. I wish I were conscious. I wish my mind would be clear for just a day, but of course not. I don’t deserve any better than what I'm stuck with and everyone who is stuck with me deserves so much better, and I realize that now, but I know that tomorrow or the next day or the next I will go back to being the same, and maybe that's what scares me more than anything. I just wish I could wait around till something clicked, or wait for so long that everyone would forget about me and I could start over, skin pulled taught over protruding starved bones. I was doing so well for a while. But I've turned myself to shit and I cant stop doing so. I just need a fucking break, but the light never seems to even think of approaching the other side of the tunnel. I want to drown. I want to disappear.