Written: 5/14/13
I mean, you've always talked about it, and even when you
didn’t, I knew the option was on the table, but I absolutely never thought it
would be this soon. Not to mention that you seem completely unaffected. I don't
know what hurts worse, that you're moving to the other side of the country, or
that you seem utterly intact while I'm a fucking wreck. I know that I never
deserved you, but I certainly never deserved this either. Maybe I do deserve
this. I know that this is literally your best option, and I'm so happy for you,
which is making this pain exponentially worse, and to add to that I'm so incredibly
jealous. I realize that this wasn't intentional, but I don't think that you
realize how completely you're killing me. I really honestly thought that we
could've been something spectacular over the summer, and now you're moving on
and moving up and leaving me here to pick up the pieces just like everyone else
and I don’t know if I can do it again. I expected this from literally any other
person besides you. You were my constant and now you're leaving and I don't
know what I'm going to do without you because I've never had to worry about
that before. Honestly, I'm scared. I'm so scared and I feel cheated because I
never even had a fair chance. You're going to move, and maybe we'll keep
talking for a little while, but I have this feeling that eventually you're just
going to move on without me and I don’t want to be left here alone. I've loved
you for so long and while moving to California was your best option, you were
always my best option.
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