Wait.

Written: 10/22/12

Sometimes I wish I could just curl up in a ball and wait.

I don't mind wasting time. I could just lie there and watch the seasons and strangers pass until I felt comfortable enough with my life or myself to continue. I feel like most days I just try to ignore it, go around the world in a gray fog or concern myself with more pressing matters, but my insecurities are always there. Always kicking me while I'm down, when I least deserve it. Or maybe I do deserve to feel these tragic things. I've given up; at some point or another I let myself and everything else go. I'm so good at procrastinating, I'm so good at ignoring my conscience, if I even have one anymore. I can’t stand to look at myself and at this point I'm not sure if it's because of my outsides or my insides. Either way I can barely hold my own gaze for a few moments. I fucking hate myself. And I fucking hate that everyone I love has to deal with my self-loathing. It's not their fault but I always blame others for my own faults. We all do, I suppose. Sometimes I just wish I would wake up in another life. It would be painful to lose the good things I actually have, which are few and far between, but it would be so gratifying to realize that all the bad things were just a nightmare. Then again, I would probably ruin that life too. I'm just so tired of being unaffected. I wish I were conscious. I wish my mind would be clear for just a day, but of course not. I don’t deserve any better than what I'm stuck with and everyone who is stuck with me deserves so much better, and I realize that now, but I know that tomorrow or the next day or the next I will go back to being the same, and maybe that's what scares me more than anything. I just wish I could wait around till something clicked, or wait for so long that everyone would forget about me and I could start over, skin pulled taught over protruding starved bones. I was doing so well for a while. But I've turned myself to shit and I cant stop doing so. I just need a fucking break, but the light never seems to even think of approaching the other side of the tunnel. I want to drown. I want to disappear.